Skip to main content

Anticipatory Anxiety


As  masks are removed, vaccine mandates disappear and as cases rise, we are being encouraged to venture forth into this brave new world. So these two words rang true to me. .. Anticipatory Anxiety. As I gingerly put my toe into the water, I find myself wishing for the four walls of home. Nightmares which were common in the first few months of the pandemic have returned. Just thinking about venturing out is enough to make the muscles in my stomach clench. Yes, I am anticipating the worst,or at best the unknown, that awaits me outside the door. I notice in the stores that whether you wear a mask or not seems to depend on the colour of your hair. The grayer the hair is the more likely that person is to be wearing a mask-at least right now.


Probably because we are in the season of Lent and also because I have been reading ‘Witness at the Cross’ by Amy Jill Levine, I find myself seeing corollaries in the story of the events leading up to the first Easter and my current experience of trying to live with the virus. The story told in Matthew 26: 36-46 talks about Jesus and the disciples being in the Garden of Gethsemane the night before  the crucifixion. The disciples seem unable to stay awake, despite Jesus asking them to, perhaps because they don’t really understand what is going to happen the next day. While Jesus, who does know what is likely to happen, is unable to sleep and spends the night in prayer. The question that comes to my mind is was Jesus suffering from anticipatory anxiety and was that why he didn”t fall asleep partway through the night as well. Of course I’ll never know that answer to that question but it does make it easier to feel a connection to how Jesus was feeling as the events unfolded.


In the meantime, while I wait for this anticipatory anxiety to disappear, I look forward to the warmer weather, to having coffee with friends outside and even a meal with them on a patio somewhere.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Candle is Peace....

“ A candle is burning, a candle of PEACE,   A candle to signal that conflict must cease   For Jesus is coming to show us the way   A message of peace humbly laid in the hay” ~words by Sandra Dean What conflict does our society see as needing to cease? Many see a conflict within their family, where peace can be brought about by expelling/silencing someone who is the cause of the conflict, who is unwilling to go along with the family’s expectations or who is unable to abide by them through mental illness or addiction. Peace to them means quiet because no one dares to challenge the status quo. “All I want under my tree Peace and love and harmony Wrap it with a ribbon please I'll share it with my family." ~Chorus from ‘With my Family’ by Rita MacNeil, 1993 Peace for the country happens when the powers that be are in charge, making decisions that are followed unquestioningly by the proletariat   - no riots, no strikes, no protests there. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Greatest Gift

“What can I give Him, poor as I am? If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb; If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part; Yet what I can I give Him: give my heart.” ~from ‘In the Bleak Midwinter’ by Christina Rossetti Many of us will be singing, or have sung, these words at some time over this Christmas season. The first verse of the carol, ‘In the Bleak Midwinter’ begins with words that echo many Christmases here in Canada: ‘In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan, earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone; snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,’ and so we usually find it included in at least one of the services held at this time of year.  For me it has always fit in with the sentimentality of a Christmas Eve or Christmas Day service. Yes, we can all give our heart to this young babe - after all who doesn’t find babies hard to resist~ The songs of angels singing in the heavens, a bright star in the dark winter sky, potentates arriving from a...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Stitch in Time

  Over the years, I have done my share of knitting, crocheting, cross stitch, and sewing.  However as the years have passed the arthritis in my hands and the slowly but surely progressing macular degeneration in my eyes have made handwork of any kind well nigh impossible.   In this time of a global pandemic when we are told to stay home to stay safe, it seems that everyone around me is either knitting up a storm for the grandchildren, for the homeless, for the housebound, painting pictures or cupboards, or even making quilts for posterity. To put it mildly, I was feeling left out of the activity and just a little sorry for myself. Then this poem came across the screen of my iPad..... I cannot sew,  I cannot knit,  yet still I stitch,  yet still I stitch  these remnants from another time.  I stitch,   I stitch with words instead  to lay across my feathered bed... this patchwork quilt".  (Written by Judy Imrie) And...
1 comment
Read more

A Mist that Appears

July    24th this year marked 2 years since Clarke had cancer surgery. It seems like it happened in another lifetime.    Mid-August, that same year, granddaughter left to teach in England. She came home for Christmas that same year but then we didn’t see her again until then end of July this year.    Our long-time cleaning lady has just returned after 17 months.    All of these seem to have happened much longer ago then they actually did.  I was reminded of a programme on Time featuring Stephen Hawking that I saw on the television a few years back. He made the comment that time doesn’t exist except when we use it to mark ages, hours, years or distances, heat or cold, etc. Time is in fact something that we humans have invented to serve our own needs.    When nothing new is happening, time slows down for us. Remember those summers when you were a kid that lasted forever? But when new things are happening, time speeds up and you hear p...
Post a Comment
Read more

Reaching Out

“ Thanks for reaching out ” were the words coming through the telephone receiver into my ear. I had just remembered the stoma nurse’s words to us to call her when we were scheduled to see the surgeon for the post-op visit, I hadn't really felt I should bother her. But a couple of days before that event, I did pick up the phone and place the call, leaving a voice mail. It was answered by another voice mail, to which I responded with my original message again. And finally a real person was on  the other end of the line. Arrangements were made for the day of the consultation with her final words to me being ‘Thanks for reaching out.’  Initially that surprised me, but on further reflection I began to see that only by my reaching out to her was she able to finish doing the job she was trained to do. Sometimes in this culture we see ‘reaching out’ or ‘asking for help’ or ‘admitting that we don’t know what to do’ to be a sign of weakness.We should be able to cope, we tell ourse...
Post a Comment
Read more

'Slow but steady wins the race' ~ Aesop

“Any act often repeated soon forms a habit; and habit allowed, steady gains in strength, At first it may be but as a spider's web, easily broken through, but if not resisted it soon binds us with chains of steel.”  Tryon Edwards [from Wikiedia: Tryon Edwards (1809 - 1894, Detroit,) was an American theologian, best known for compiling A Dictionary of Thoughts, a book of quotations. He published the works of Jonathan Edwards (the younger) in 1842. He also compiled and published the sixteen sermons of his great grandfather, Jonathan Edwards, on 1 Corinthians 13 ] Just lately I have become aware of changes that have happened unbeknown to me. One I can explain and it links into the title quote for Aesop, ‘Slow and steady wins the race’.  A year ago this January when my husband was hospitalized it was a long, long way each day from the parking lot to his room. This January, when the same thing occurred, the distance to the room seemed much shorter even though the rooms ...
Post a Comment
Read more

“In sod we trust” . . . .

I noticed this slogan “i n sod we trust” on a truck from a nearby sod farm recently as I was driving through our town.   It made me think . . .Yes, in this part of Canada, with our short growing season, we do trust in sod to have those perfect green lawns, THIS year.   These lawns do not appear magically however.    We feel they are worth the investment of our hard-earned dollars, followed by hours of watering as we encourage them to grow in the normally hot dry summers . . . to say nothing of using more of our hard-earned cash, to pay the ensuing water bill. Oh, yes, and we erect little fences around them to protect the sod from being trampled on by feet, both big and little. So, yes, we trust ‘in sod’ to give the lawns we desire, but it is not without the investment of both our time and money. This slogan, of course, is a play on the slogan we are all familiar with from USA coins: “In God we trust” – a slogan which seems like a mantra to many today....
Post a Comment
Read more

"On Giving Thanks"

Thanksgiving Is usually one of those ‘easy’ times for me.   It is easy to be thankful living with abundance, in safety, with family and friends – so many things to give thanks for, so many blessings undeserved. Some years and for some people, it is not so. What would Thanksgiving mean to me then? How would I deal with it? I came across this prayer not long ago ~           For that which was           For that which is           For that which will be          Thanks be to God And I began to wonder ~ Is the real meaning behind Thanksgiving not so much the ability to be thankful for those things we have in abundance? After all, that is easy.  But rather to be thankful for everything we have been given or experienced in life, or are now experiencing: the highs and the lows, the mountain-top experiences and the valleys of death, the deserts and the abundant har...
4 comments
Read more

Resurrection

“And if the message of Easter is about [new life], then for us to fast from gathering for worship is our following the path of new life, new life for those who we might hurt by gathering together and new life for us by learning to live — not for self alone, but for others and for God – that's resurrection.” - Presiding Bishop Michael Curry I am writing this just days before the Christian Church traditionally celebrates Easter. With the rest of you I have found my life consumed by the prevailing COVID-19 pandemic. We have all been called on to take responsibility not only for our own wellbeing and that of our family, but also for the well-being of everyone else in our communities. I have been struck over the last number of weeks of the number of Biblical stories I see being played out every day around us.. The Israelites hoarding the manna in the desert  only to find it spoiled the next day are replaced with bare shelves in our grocery stores because certain things are ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Stories of the Season (#1)

Since human civilization first began, people have been telling stories. Sometimes these stories were based on fact, sometimes not. But what many of these stories had in common is that they were a vehicle to pass along knowledge or understanding to those who were listening, a way of teaching some of the great truths of existence. In the words of Marcus Borg (Convictions:How I Learned What matters Most) “…  believing something to be true has nothing to do with whether it is true.” And so for this Advent Season, I thought I would take a look a a few of these stories… Mr. Rogers once said “The world needs a sense of worth, and it will achieve it only by its people feeling that they are worthwhile.” I recently read about a experiment. Someone took 3 glass jars, placed them about a foot apart, placed an inch of plain rice in each one and then an inch of water. Every day, this person looked into the first jar and said kind and loving things to the rice and water like ‘I love you...
Post a Comment
Read more