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Anticipatory Anxiety


As  masks are removed, vaccine mandates disappear and as cases rise, we are being encouraged to venture forth into this brave new world. So these two words rang true to me. .. Anticipatory Anxiety. As I gingerly put my toe into the water, I find myself wishing for the four walls of home. Nightmares which were common in the first few months of the pandemic have returned. Just thinking about venturing out is enough to make the muscles in my stomach clench. Yes, I am anticipating the worst,or at best the unknown, that awaits me outside the door. I notice in the stores that whether you wear a mask or not seems to depend on the colour of your hair. The grayer the hair is the more likely that person is to be wearing a mask-at least right now.


Probably because we are in the season of Lent and also because I have been reading ‘Witness at the Cross’ by Amy Jill Levine, I find myself seeing corollaries in the story of the events leading up to the first Easter and my current experience of trying to live with the virus. The story told in Matthew 26: 36-46 talks about Jesus and the disciples being in the Garden of Gethsemane the night before  the crucifixion. The disciples seem unable to stay awake, despite Jesus asking them to, perhaps because they don’t really understand what is going to happen the next day. While Jesus, who does know what is likely to happen, is unable to sleep and spends the night in prayer. The question that comes to my mind is was Jesus suffering from anticipatory anxiety and was that why he didn”t fall asleep partway through the night as well. Of course I’ll never know that answer to that question but it does make it easier to feel a connection to how Jesus was feeling as the events unfolded.


In the meantime, while I wait for this anticipatory anxiety to disappear, I look forward to the warmer weather, to having coffee with friends outside and even a meal with them on a patio somewhere.

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