But that's NOT what I meant!

35 years ago now, when I was going to university, I remember having my essays read by someone who I trusted both for their knowledge of English grammar and for the subject matter. I can also remember saying on more than one occasion when looking over their suggestions for changes, ‘But that’s NOT what I meant!’ Somehow I felt that the validity of my ideas was being challenged.

I had long ago forgotten about these exchanges, but they came to the forefront of my thoughts again this past week. Thinking about them from a distance, I now believe that my editor wasn’t deliberately changing my thoughts but rather was just putting what they perceived as the meaning I was trying to make into better grammar. At the time, however I saw it as an attempt to actually change the meaning.

And how often this happens to us in our daily lives. Someone reads this blog and really likes it because it said …. and I have to go back to the written word to look at it again because I don’t remember having said or meant anything of the kind. A fascinating experience!!!!!

We read an article [or a passage in the Bible]. Someone else reads the same article and finds either a completely different message in it or one with enough different nuances as to change its direction.

We listen to a sermon. We might say on the way out the door ‘Good sermon, rector’. If, in fact we go further and actually comment on what caught our attention or spoke to us, we would probably surprise the rector who would either have no memory of saying it, or would think of it as just throw-away line with little relevance to the message he/she was trying to get across.

But in all these instances [and I’m sure you can think of others], the person actually thought that they understood what was being said. So many things influence our understanding at any given moment, things like our past experiences, our knowledge of the subject, whether we had a good night sleep, our level of stress and I could go on and on. It is a wonder that we ever do get the same message!

A group I am a part of is spending time this year focusing on Listening. But in the examples above people were listening, were giving their full attention to what was either written or said. So we shouldn’t be surprised when people come way with a different message, just amazed when that message is the same. Nor should we feel threatened in an way when what is taken away is different from what we intended. Our message is not being changed deliberately. That is what the hearers heard.

So the next time you feel that someone is deliberately misinterpreting your words, take a deep broth and remember that it might well be not a misinterpretation but what they actually heard.

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