What We Really Need....

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honourable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Not long ago, after helping a friend, they made the comment that they didn’t know how to thank us for all we had done. My answer was not to worry, that it had made us feel useful, adding that was something that didn’t happen all that much in our lives any more. I had realized earlier this year, that we were, in our seventies, officially empty-nesters for the first time with both grandchildren away to university and only their parents and ourselves left to our own devices in the house we shared for 15+ years! And it was a strange feeling, one of being suddenly less involved in life.

However this latest experience with our friend led me into thinking more deeply about the need we have to be useful. After all we have been useful all our lives. As children we probably had a pet or two that we were suppose to feed, and play with and with the teen years came household chores and perhaps a’job’ that we were responsible for. Then came ‘real’ jobs, and for the best part of our lives we gave 110% to them, working overtime, bringing work home, cutting back on holidays, giving in some cases our heart and soul to them. As extended family, we have been glad to be involved in childcare for the newest generation, doing what we can to support the young parents in their role. But then what? Suddenly we have a void in our lives. With reduce energy, we can no longer play the roles we did years earlier even if they were there for us to play. But nevertheless we still feel that void.

I would suggest to you that it comes from our need to give, to be needed. We don’t want busy work, nor do we want to be taken advantage of, or not to be valued. We need to feel that what we are able to contribute still makes a real difference in someone else’s life.

One of the hardest things for us to do, or so it seems, is to either admit admit we need, or to accept, help. How many times have you said to someone else, or had said to you ‘Let me know if there is anything I can do to help?” And how many times have you responded yourself or gotten the response ‘Nothing, thank you.’ from someone else? I would wager most, if not all of the time! We find it incredibly hard to admit we need help, but by not admitting it we are not only hurting ourselves but also depriving someone else of the joy of feeling useful.

I well remember almost 40 years ago, one of the most amazing experiences of my life, when I was part of a group that sponsored a refugee family. Other people would say to me, “I don’t know how you do everything. You will burn out if you’re not careful” Of course I was tired, adding 9 more people onto the list of those I was responsible for. But I didn’t burn out. I had never had more energy, felt more invigorated. I was needed, and I was able to answer the need. And I’m sure we could between us come up with many more similar experiences.

It is only upon reflection that I begin to see this need to make a real difference as a linchpin of the Christian faith. We tend to think of the words attributed to Jesus in Matthew7:12 ‘to do to others what we would want them to do to us’, to speak about us giving, or doing something. But what if it also is about us letting others help us? I think we tend to overlook this part of the equation.

After all if our friend hadn’t accepted our offer of help , we wouldn't have experience the joy of feeling useful. So the next time someone offers you their help, accept it, and by doing that you will give them that same joy.

“What is my life if I am no longer useful to others.” [Johann Wolfgang von Goethe - a German writer and statesman]

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