Married in the 60's

“You can tell they are familiar, in some ways they’ve grown apart

But even in their distance they’re connected by the heart

And there’s a gentle wind that’s blowin' round the door

And married in the 60’s, it seems so long ago.” [From ‘Married in the 60’s’ sung by Rita MacNeil]

Recently one of my friends and I were having coffee when she said of her husband, “He’s not the same person I married!” And that seems to be a sentiment I’m running into often these days. Of course, if we stop to think about it all, we are not same the same person we were 25, 40 or 50 years either. And that if by chance we were, it would be a case of arrested development!

These truths got me thinking about the institution of marriage especially now when more and more marriages are lasting for more that 50 years. Half a century is a long time. I remember when I was just nicely married and heard of a couple who had been married 25 years and were getting a divorce, thinking “Why are they getting a divorce now? Surely they would have divorced years ago if they did’t get along.” Oh the blinders of the young! I wouldn’t have any difficulty now understanding why someone married 60+ years was getting a divorce. They probably woke up one morning and found they were living with a stranger, who they didn’t even like that much.

The parameters around the institution of marriage have changed drastically since it began, and even accelerated more quickly over the last 50 years Changes in the legal system have made marriage unnecessary in order to ensured monetary and legal protection for both parties. In order to recognize this new reality, we need to separate civil and church marriages. Everyone wishing to be formally married, would need to take part in a civil marriage ceremony. The church could offer a blessing at a later date should the couple wish that.

I know that in the current marriage ceremony, the bride and groom promise to love one another “in sickness, and health until death do us part” But in reality how many young people really know what that will mean in 50, 60 or more years? And not knowing, how can they truly make that promise? As someone who made these promises 55 year ago, I didn’t realize then what they really meant if taken seriously. How could I? How can anyone?

It has been the custom for couple, who so wish, to renew their vows on significant anniversaries. But wouldn’t it be more meaningful, for those couples [whether they are legally married or not] who have spent a number of years together, who are starting to experience the rigours of aging, to be part of a rite within the church that says, in effect: “We realize that we are not the same people who were married all those years ago. We have grown apart in some ways and closer in others. We want to live out our lives in comfort and dignity, and we commit ourselves to make this happen.

We are dealing with a new reality: the new reality of living longer with degenerative diseases. And as I have heard said again and again over coffee: “He’s [she’s] not the person I married.” But what I also hear, in most cases, is a real concern for that person, and a desire to support them, the recognition of a spiritual identity. A concern and a desire that the church should be willing to support and honour.

“When people get married because they think it's a long-time love affair, they'll be divorced very soon, because all love affairs end in disappointment. But marriage is a recognition of a spiritual identity.” Joseph Campbell

Comments

This, too ...

‘By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to set out for a place that he was to receive as an inheritance; and he set out, not knowing where he was going.’ -Hebrews 11:8 Dr. Theresa Tam, Chief Public Health Officer of Canada, says this, too, will pass . Dr. Eileen de Villa, Medical Official of Health for Toronto, says this, too, will pass . Justin Trudeau , Prime Minister of Canada, says this, too, will pass . But will it really??? Some days this feels like an unending struggle with just one tiny step forward and not just two, but more like a dozen steps back. Of course I’m talking about COVID-19 with all its associated variants. We might even be forgiven for rewriting that well known quote from Ecclesiastes to read…. For everything there is a season,…but just not for this ! Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a French priest, might well have been talking about COVID when he penned the lines below: We should like to skip The ...

Challenging Faith

“All giving constitutes a challenge to faith because there is no guarantee of a return.” When I heard this statement as part of a sermon on Rogation Sunday, my ears pricked up and my mind started to spin. The rest of the sermon had things to say as well, but this sentence is still the one that has stuck with me. It made, and is still making me think! For those of us who identify ourselves with the church, whenever we hear the word ‘givings’ our minds go immediately to what we put on the offering plate each Sunday and for that we expect, but are not guaranteed, that the church will be there for us when we need it; for weddings, baptisms, funerals and other rites of passage. However what intrigues me about this quotation is that first word. “ ALL giving constitutes a challenge …” And how true it is! Each time we ‘give’ something away and it doesn’t have the expected return, it is upsetting and we have all had that experience. I remember many years ago s...

"Property of Jesus"

Have you seen people wearing shirts that say "Property of Jesus" Perhaps you have seen them for sale in a Christian book store? Have you stopped to consider just what that motto says about the wearer, or more importantly just what it might say about you? 'Property' in a business dictionary, is defined as: " Quality or thing owned or possessed . In Law: Article, item, or thing owned with the rights of possession, use, and enjoyment,... " So if we are the property of another, then they have complete control over us. We are in fact their slave . According to the dictionary, a slave is " someone who is legally owned by another person and is forced to work for that person without pay ; a person who is strongly influenced and controlled " I wonder if the persons wearing these shirts ever consider what they are actually proclaiming? If in fact they are the 'Property of Jesus', does that not mean that they have no choic...

But that's NOT what I meant!

35 years ago now, when I was going to university, I remember having my essays read by someone who I trusted both for their knowledge of English grammar and for the subject matter. I can also remember saying on more than one occasion when looking over their suggestions for changes, ‘But that’s NOT what I meant!’ Somehow I felt that the validity of my ideas was being challenged. I had long ago forgotten about these exchanges, but they came to the forefront of my thoughts again this past week. Thinking about them from a distance, I now believe that my editor wasn’t deliberately changing my thoughts but rather was just putting what they perceived as the meaning I was trying to make into better grammar. At the time, however I saw it as an attempt to actually change the meaning. And how often this happens to us in our daily lives. Someone reads this blog and really likes it because it said …. and I have to go back to the written word to look at it again because I don’t remember hav...

Faces

“Poor and afflicted and oppressed people have faces, and we are required to look squarely into them. We can’t love what we won’t experience.” ~Nancy Mairs Years ago the women’s group at the church that I was attending was talking about the arrival in the neighbourhood of a home for abused women. As various ideas were put forward as to how we might react to this, a couple of the ladies were very forthright in their disagreement. After all, they said, these women had asked for it! Despite this, the evening ended with a decision being made to start a clothing centre for these women who would arrive at the shelter with little besides the clothes on their backs. Being good Christian woman, both of these ladies signed up to take a shift or two a month. Imaging my surprise when a few months later one of them came up to me after church to tell me the ‘those’ women were just like everybody else! Now a story from a little closer to home. We spent three weeks in Cape Town, Sou...

An Allegory

Once upon a time there was a knight and his lady, who lived contently for many years in a southern kingdom. As they aged however, their manor became too big for them and so they decided to relocate in a northern kingdom where smaller quarters were available. They left their friends of many years with a sad good-bye and set off for new adventures. They settled quite happily in their new abode, and joined in all the activities and merry-making until one day, they had to drop out of some of the activities because of their declining years. No one came to ask them why they were no longer taking part. Instead the rest of the folk in that kingdom ignored them and it became very lonely for the knight and his lady The king suggested that they might be happier is a neighbouring kingdom and so they moved a short distance and set up house one more time. This time though things went well for many years. Then the king died. The heir apparent had many different ideas about what ...

Hope springs eternal....

The season of Advent starts this coming Sunday, the beginning of the church year. I have decided to do something a little different and so for the next 4 weeks, I will be reflecting about a different verse in a well-known Advent hymn. Each Sunday in Advent, a candle in the advent wreath is lit in our homes and during our worship services. The lighting of the candle is usually accompanied by readings and/or singing. Here is the first verse of " A Candle is Burning ", with words by Sandra Dean and sung to the familiar tune of "Away in a Manger" . " A candle is burning, a flame warm and bright, A candle of HOPE in November's dark night While angels sing blessings from heaven's starry sky, Our hearts we prepare now for Jesus is nigh " Or as Desmond Tutu said, "Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness." As the days in the northern hemisphere grow darker with the shortest day of the year o...

The Reason for the Season

We are now in Advent, the church's season of waiting and preparation for the birth of Jesus and Christmas is approaching. Each year at this time my inbox gathers various & sundry emails about those terrible people who don't say Merry Christmas, who want to call it a holiday tree and not a Christmas tree, who want to take the Christ out of Christmas! Instead of worrying about what the other thinks and does, it behooves us to look at just what each of us is celebrating, personally. If we are honest with ourselves, I think we just might be surprised! As I listen to the Christmas/seasonal songs on the media and in the malls, I find myself asking myself the question: Just how many different things are we celebrating on December 25? Because I do think there is more than one celebration, probably more than two or three for most of us. Oh yes, we may say we are celebrating Christmas, because it is the birth of Jesus but is that really all….. or is it even one of th...

Another Road

“And having been warned in a dream not to return to Herod, they [the Magi] left for their own country by another road.” Matthew 2:12 NRSV Just the other day I was out with a friend. As we were leaving to go home we decided ‘go by another road’ and the comment was made about how biblical that was. But as I heard the preacher’s opening to their sermon this past week, suddenly I had a very different understanding of just what those words meant in the context of the story of the magi. One might say I had an epiphany! We don’t know anything about who wrote the gospels or even when or why the gospels were written. We can surmise that the authors were writing down these stories in an attempt to pass on the transformative effect the life and teachings of Jesus had had on their lives and perhaps the lives of others around them. So I have come to understand the two birth narratives to be an attempt to rewrite his birth showing this importance. As angels sang, he was revered by t...

Resurrection???

I heard a ‘Resurrection Story’ this week … A computer had refused to turn on and so it was taken to the computer doctor. After a number of days the message was received that the computer had died and please come and pick up the ‘body’ for burial. However once it was safely home again, the owner decided that the computer could be resurrected with the help of running the ‘restore’ disc and some loving care. Now I would like to be able to say this story had a happy ending, but alas the next day found the owner in a store buying a new hard drive to replace the one that had died! So why do I call this a Resurrection Story? Because even with the new hard drive installed and the old one gone, those things that had been learned with the old will continue to be part of the new. The core of the ‘Resurrection story’ we will hear read from the Gospel and likely at least to be referenced in the sermon preached from the pulpit on Easter Sunday talks of the bodily resur...

NUDGINGS: a journey into the unknown

Search This Blog