Married in the 60's

“You can tell they are familiar, in some ways they’ve grown apart

But even in their distance they’re connected by the heart

And there’s a gentle wind that’s blowin' round the door

And married in the 60’s, it seems so long ago.” [From ‘Married in the 60’s’ sung by Rita MacNeil]

Recently one of my friends and I were having coffee when she said of her husband, “He’s not the same person I married!” And that seems to be a sentiment I’m running into often these days. Of course, if we stop to think about it all, we are not same the same person we were 25, 40 or 50 years either. And that if by chance we were, it would be a case of arrested development!

These truths got me thinking about the institution of marriage especially now when more and more marriages are lasting for more that 50 years. Half a century is a long time. I remember when I was just nicely married and heard of a couple who had been married 25 years and were getting a divorce, thinking “Why are they getting a divorce now? Surely they would have divorced years ago if they did’t get along.” Oh the blinders of the young! I wouldn’t have any difficulty now understanding why someone married 60+ years was getting a divorce. They probably woke up one morning and found they were living with a stranger, who they didn’t even like that much.

The parameters around the institution of marriage have changed drastically since it began, and even accelerated more quickly over the last 50 years Changes in the legal system have made marriage unnecessary in order to ensured monetary and legal protection for both parties. In order to recognize this new reality, we need to separate civil and church marriages. Everyone wishing to be formally married, would need to take part in a civil marriage ceremony. The church could offer a blessing at a later date should the couple wish that.

I know that in the current marriage ceremony, the bride and groom promise to love one another “in sickness, and health until death do us part” But in reality how many young people really know what that will mean in 50, 60 or more years? And not knowing, how can they truly make that promise? As someone who made these promises 55 year ago, I didn’t realize then what they really meant if taken seriously. How could I? How can anyone?

It has been the custom for couple, who so wish, to renew their vows on significant anniversaries. But wouldn’t it be more meaningful, for those couples [whether they are legally married or not] who have spent a number of years together, who are starting to experience the rigours of aging, to be part of a rite within the church that says, in effect: “We realize that we are not the same people who were married all those years ago. We have grown apart in some ways and closer in others. We want to live out our lives in comfort and dignity, and we commit ourselves to make this happen.

We are dealing with a new reality: the new reality of living longer with degenerative diseases. And as I have heard said again and again over coffee: “He’s [she’s] not the person I married.” But what I also hear, in most cases, is a real concern for that person, and a desire to support them, the recognition of a spiritual identity. A concern and a desire that the church should be willing to support and honour.

“When people get married because they think it's a long-time love affair, they'll be divorced very soon, because all love affairs end in disappointment. But marriage is a recognition of a spiritual identity.” Joseph Campbell

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NUDGINGS: a journey into the unknown

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