Who's it really all about ?

“It’s not all about ME!”

Every time I hear someone say this, it bothers me. And for long time I have wondered why. On the surface it sounds like a good thing. After all, aren’t we suppose to not put our selves first, to think of the other before ourselves? Why do I find myself wanting to say, “But it should be about you!”?

Who should it really be all about?

Each person’s life is intrinsically all about that person. There is really no other way for it to be. Everything that you see, say or do, is coloured by your past: your past learning, your belief system and your lived experience. You can only interpret and react to any experience through your own filters however much you would like to use the filters of someone else. So your reactions must be your own. They, of essence, must be all about you!

What is it that is so ingrained in us that we feel unable to, or uncomfortable in, acknowledging that what we saying is how we feel, and that we have a right to feel that way. For some reason we seem to feel a necessity to hide behind the 'other' whether named or unnamed, as in saying 'Aunt Joan feels' or the ubiquitous 'they think'. We seem to be afraid to own our own thoughts and feelings. Do we feel uneasy about claiming the spotlight for ourselves? Perhaps what is prompting us to deny that it really is all about us, is that we feel we are complaining, or we feel that what we say isn't important to others. Whatever the reason, we need to ask ourselves why we feel that way.

Yet the Golden Rule, ('In everything do to others as you would have them do to you.' Matthew7:12), that saying which is found in all the major world religions, tells us to treat others as we want to be treated. Surely you and I want our real thoughts and feelings acknowledged. But if we are trying to live by the Golden Rule, but won't acknowledge our thoughts and feelings as our own that tells others that we don't want them to acknowledge those feelings either.

It is not easy to be open about how you think or feel. It takes courage to allow yourself to be that vulnerable. But really your life is all about you! There is nothing wrong with that. It is the only way it can be. It is OK to say 'I'm scared.', 'I'm hurting.', 'I need help.' Perhaps this is so difficult because once we acknowledge the feeling, we then have to take responsibility for dealing with it, for admitting our failures, for searching out new solutions. Taking responsibility for our thoughts and feelings, and not blaming them on others, is a learned skill and not an easy one at that for most of us.

Also at play, however, is the feeling that it is somehow ‘wrong’ to be focused on ‘our’ feelings, that we should be focused on the feeling of others. We can surmise the feelings of other but never know them for certain. We run the risk of imposing our feelings on them if we are not careful.

‘It’s all about ME’ should be a perfect descriptor of every conversation you have. Not something that has to be stated but something that is self-evident by the vulnerability of your conversation.

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